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I have not heard this song in a long time. When I heard it again, some familiar faces came to mind. :-) This is for you, Superstars…

Wake up one morning you realize
Your life is one big compromise (compromise)
Stuck in the job you swore was only temporary (was only temporary)

Feel like the world is passing you by (do do do do do)
Never done all the things you would need to try
Stuck in one place, got a pain in your face from all your stressin’ out (all your stressin’ out)x2

You ask yourself there’s got to be more than what I’m living for (what I’m living for) x2
You ask yourself there’s got to be something else, something more, more, more

Well let the sun shine on your face
And don’t let your life go to waste
Now is the time, got to make up your mind
Let it shine on you, let it shine on you

Feel like there’s nothing nowhere to go
You try and fight but you can’t let go
Roll the pain, got so much to gain
Now is the time

You ask yourself there’s got to be something else, something more, more, more

Well let the sun shine on your face
And don’t let your life go to waste
Now is the time, got to make up your mind
Let it shine on you, let it shine on you

You ask yourself there’s got to be more than what I’m living for (what I’m living for) x2
You ask yourself there’s got to be something else, something more, more, more

Well let the sun shine on your face
And don’t let your life go to waste
Now is the time, got to make up your mind
Let it shine on you, let it shine on you

Well let the sun shine on your face
And don’t let your life go to waste
Now is the time, got to make up your mind
Let it shine on you, let it shine on you

Well let the sun shine on your face
And don’t let your life go to waste
Now is the time, got to make up your mind
Let it shine on you, let it shine on you

Remembering Lolo

Today is my maternal grandfather’s birthday. He died in 1990, 13 days before my birthday. He was 85.

My lolo (grandfather) had built a duplex for his two children’s families. His daughter’s family (ours) had the right side while my uncle’s family was on the left. In the middle of the duplex was a bedroom suite for my grandparents. I remember many nights sleeping in my grandparent’s suite. My grandmother couldn’t sleep on her side of the bed because her bones didn’t make it easy for her to get up. I took her place sleeping next to my lolo. He would always tell me stories of me rolling off the bed in my sleep. Of course, I couldn’t remember a thing. :-) I slept in their suite until I was in my early teens. By then I had shifted to the sofa near their bedroom window, instead of sleeping next to my lolo. During my college days, off and on, I would sleep on the spare bed in my grandparent’s bedroom. My ailing lola couldn’t take care of my lolo alone, sometimes I would help if he woke up in the middle of the night.

I still have my lolo’s medals for tennis. He said he wanted me to become a champion tennis player. Well, nothing came out of that :-) I don’t even remember signing up for lessons. Though I always kept a racket to appease him. :-) He also said he wanted me to become a doctor. I knew I could handle the academics but the prospect of studying till my late 20’s didn’t appeal to me. Well, I’m a REIKI practitioner contemplating on taking the master level now, so I’m a healer just the same. :-)

I always had a great time with my lolo. I liked hanging around him. He taught me basic things about savings bonds and the stock market. I remember we would always watch Jacques Cousteau in his bedroom. I never saw him angry at me until a visiting boyfriend over-extended the visiting limit. How was I suppose to know, that during his time, suitors only stayed for 2 hours and never beyond 5 o’clock pm. :-) Our maids told me that he kept pacing all over the kitchen floor complaining about these visits. He lost it one time when he caught me holding hands with my boyfriend at that time. He yelled at him and said something about abusing his welcome. Seeing my lolo angry shook me for the first time. I knew he wasn’t angry at me but it scared me just the same. He did apologize not too long afterwards. He was humble enough to admit that he cared and was just protecting me. :-) I knew that. Hearing it from him felt good.

Before he died, he had sent feelers in so many ways. A week before he died, he asked me to pray the rosary with him and my grandmother. My lola was crying as we were going through the beads. It didn’t take a genius to know that something was up. He was very weak as well and he wasn’t challenging it as he always does. He was allowing it to happen.

One morning before heading off to school, I had the compulsion to visit my lolo in his bedroom. I found him still sleeping at 8:30 am. He was always an early riser yet this vision gave a chill down my spine. Back then, I didn’t know what that meant. I shrugged it off and went to school.

Later in the afternoon, I found him still sleeping. My lola told me, with a pain in her voice, that he had not woken up since last night. I held my lolo’s hand and I felt his grip. “I’m right here, Lolo. It’s ok.” Everyone was milling about my grandfather. My brother called, Dr. O, who passed by and after a few tests, he had declared that Lolo was in a coma. At my lolo’s age, he recommended that, that we should just wait. And that’s what everybody did. Waited. As for me, I went to the bedroom and slept it off.

It wasn’t an odd feeling, not being worried about my lolo. I was ready for it and so was he. I remember that he always wanted to die in his sleep. I can’t remember why I went to sleep either. I wasn’t tired nor sleepy but I just did.

I woke up around 11:30pm and people were still milling about. All the lights were still on. I hung around to see what had happened since I went to bed. Nothing much. Though I did feel my grandmother’s fear was getting bigger. It was sometime around midnight when I offered to take over watching him since I was able to get some sleep. Everyone went to their bedrooms and my mother stayed out in the patio speaking with someone.

I wanted to get sentimental with my lolo but I didn’t want everybody to see it. I held his hand and I once again felt that comfortable grip. His breathing was steady but heavy. I’m so used to hearing him snore that it didn’t bother me. In my mind I said, “I love you, Lolo.” And then his mouth opened wide as if he was gasping for one big breath of air. “This is it” I had thought.

I woke up my grandmother, who jumped and went frantic, still in denial of what was happening. I ran upstairs to wake up my sisters and my cousin, to my mother out in the patio. I was fast and so was everybody. They crowded by the bedroom door and I plowed through them to get my lolo’s side and hold his hand. “I’m here,” as if he could hear the words in my mind. Everybody was waiting for the inevitable. It didn’t take long. One more long gasp for air and then he was gone.

My lola was horribly sad. Trying to keep a strong face as she sobbed but she couldn’t try hard enough. She was calling out to my lolo to stay. The ladies in the house wept…. except for me, I don’t remember crying that night. I remember telling myself that he got what he wanted. He wanted to die in his sleep…. and he waited for me.

We didn’t waste any time. My mom had already called the mortuary and before the sun rose, my lolo was no longer in his bedroom. We only had to wait till he was ready.

I don’t remember sleeping in my bed for the rest of the night. Maybe I started on my bed but I remember waking up in the spare bed in my grandparent’s bedroom. I remember seeing an empty hospital bed right next to me. Still no tears. My cousin had asked if I was afraid and I asked “Why should I be afraid of Lolo?”

They took my lolo to Don Bosco chapel in Makati. There were a lot of people and I barely knew them. I really didn’t feel like mingling much. Even the kitchen area was crowded. I was hoping to get something to drink or eat. If I wasn’t entertaining anyone, at least my mouth would be busy. One lady had tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around and I remember having seen her once before but I couldn’t remember her name. She tells her male companion that I was “the one”. She shared with me and her companion that my lolo and were tight because I looked so much like my mother. She said that even when I cried as a baby, he would always say “That’s my girl.”….. I felt a choke on my throat and I quickly asked to be excused. I struggled my way through a sea of well-wishers exchanging pleasantries and catching up on old times. I found myself outside the chapel walking as far away as I could….I found a quiet shaded walkway. It wasn’t that far but I was alone and away from the noise. I sat on what seemed like a seat cast in cold cement…

and then I cried….

Happy Birthday, Lolo. I love you….

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Live Like We’re Dying

Sometimes we fall down and can’t get back up
Were hiding behind skin thats too tough
How come we dont say I love you enough
Till its too late. Its not too late

Our hearts are hungry for a food that wont come
We could make a feast from these crumbs
And were all staring down the barrel of a gun
So if your life flashed before you
What would you wish you wouldve done
Yeah gotta start

Lookin’ at the hand of the time weve been given here
This is all we got and we gotta start pickin it
Every second counts on a clock thats tickin
Gotta live like were dying
We only got
86 400 seconds in a day to
Turn it all around or throw it all away
We gotta tell em that we love em
While we got the chance to say
Gotta live like were dying

And if your plane fell out of the skies
Who would you call with your last goodbyes
Should be so careful who we live out our lives
So when we long for absolution
There’ll be no one on the line
Yeah gotta start

Lookin’ at the hand of the time weve been given here
This is all we got and we gotta start pickin it
Every second counts on a clock thats tickin
Gotta live like were dying
We only got
86 400 seconds in a day to
Turn it all around or throw it all away
We gotta tell em that we love em
While we got the chance to say
Gotta live like were dying

Like were dying oh – like were dying [x2]
We only got
86 400 seconds in a day to
Turn it all around or throw it all away
We gotta tell em that we love em
While we got the chance to say
Gotta live – like were dying

We never know a good thing till its gone
You never see a crash until its head on
All those people right when were dead wrong
You never know a good thing till its gone
Yeah gotta start

Lookin’ at the hand of the time weve been given here
This is all we got and we gotta start livin it
Every second counts on a clock thats tickin
Gotta live like were dying
We only got
86 400 seconds in a day to
Turn it all around or throw it all away
We gotta tell em that we love em
While we got the chance to say
Gotta live like were dying
Like were dying oh – like were dying [x2]

We only got
86 400 seconds in a day to
Turn it all around or throw it all away
We gotta tell em that we love em
While we got the chance to say
Gotta live like were dying
Live like were dying

Many of us have had an experience in which we felt like the lone black sheep in a vast sea of white sheep. You ask yourself, “Why can’t I be more like….?” “Why don’t I want to be like…..?”. “Why can’t I fit in?” “Why am I different….?” Why can’t they see what I see?”

For some of us, this strong sense of isolation and not belonging runs more deeply and spans a period of many years. It is possible to feel like the black sheep in families and peer groups that are supportive, as well as in those that are not. Even if we receive no overt criticism regarding our values, there will likely be times when it seems that relatives and friends are humoring us or waiting for us to grow out of our phase.

These outcast feelings would even make us wonder and think if we were ever adopted as we apparently are cut from a different cloth. :-) These feelings of isolation are not a sign that we have failed in some way to connect with others and see their perspectives. It is best that they be perceived as the natural result of our willingness to articulate our individuality – a task that only a few have dared to accomplish.

Many black sheep respond to the separateness they feel by pulling back from the very people to whom they might otherwise feel closest and embracing a different group with whom they enjoy a greater degree of commonality. If you feel that your very nature has set you apart from your peers and relatives, consider that your soul chose long ago to embrace specific ideologies and to come together with specific people so that you could have certain experiences that would contribute to your ongoing evolution. You may be much more sensitive than the people around you or more artistic, aware, spiritual, or imaginative.

In history, you will see that those who dared to uniquely express themselves have made significant contributions in history. We have Galileo, Leonard Da Vinci, Albert Einstein, Thomas Edison, Nikolai Tesla, Walt Disney and the list continues. They were once isolated for their lofty ideas and incomprehensible ideas but our lives have changed because of their vision and their steadfast faith to hold it above everyone’s sight.

The disparate temperament of your values and those of your family or peers becomes a catalyst for positive change. In moving beyond comparisons and accept these differences, you will come to appreciate the significant role your upbringing and socialization have played in your life’s unique journey. You have as much as a role in their soul journey as they do in yours. You are a catalyst yourself.

In time, most black sheep will learn to embrace their individuality and fully appreciate their uniqueness. We cannot expect that our peers and relatives will suddenly choose to embrace our values and offer us the precise form of support that we need but we can acknowledge the importance of their roles in our soul journeys by devoting a portion of our energy to keeping these relationships healthy while continuing to define our own identities apart from them.

In time, it will all work out…..

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