I Just Don’t Know…..

They say misery is sustained by your ego. Ego isn’t exactly a bad thing but it does keep from expanding yourself and seeing other perspectives. It’s been said that the role of the ego is to protect you. Actually, I think it’s the other way around. It’s to keep you in struggle because you choose to stay within the confines of your comfort zone (ego)….. Shit!I’m rambling here. I know I’m making sense somewhere. I just don’t know why I’m writing it…..I think I’m writing it for myself right now. Maybe writing about the ego will jolt me out of it. No, I don’t want to go to sleep like this and so I have to find a way to shake this off fast. Where’s TRE when you need it? Why didn’t I take the course?

So what’s your ego screaming about? What’s the illusion you’re dealing with?

Geez. I can’t even begin to get into guru mode because I’m just a human right now. So I’m not going to buck it until I can resolve this within myself.

Other women don’t scare me. Men don’t either. It’s the state of energy that does. It’s a situation when actions speak louder than words. A seemingly harmless hand on a waist or a hand on a thigh. But it isn’t harmless. It’s a confirmation of what I know but also something that I have put under the rug because all the while I thought somebody else had to deal with it. Well, my expectations have been shot and by the looks of things, it hasn’t been dealt with. The pretenses and defenses are still there. He’s not learning. He’s not listening. And knowing that his fears are bigger than me cuts pretty bad.

I know I’m hurt. I went through my day intentionally ignoring this little tidbit by finishing up as much edits offline as I could. I was bitching on my proofs and I already feel sorry for the writer when he sees the edits. I was avoiding to proof read the book my father had commissioned a seaman’s son to write. It was going to hurt the writer. The boy can write but he needs to brush up on his storytelling. It felt like a technical paper about my father’s life. I knew if I kept up with the proofs I’d be hurting this guy but he needed to know that I’m aware of his shortcuts and my dad’s story deserved better…..That’s what I told myself.

I know I’m hurt. When your tears flow from your eyes shut in meditation, you’ll realize that it cuts deeper than you had originally thought.

Why do people even call me a guru? I’m barely even there. I definitely confirmed that tonight but I’m definitely learning so that’s one pieced of consolation for me in this episode. Yet I’m still anxious about how far this guru trail can go for me.

And now I have to deal with it too. It’s not my place to teach it and I can walk away from this but it irritates me that I’m weak. It irritates me to know that there’s so much more to guru-hood that I have to go through. Like all gurus, I have to keep the attitude that I can live without it.

Excessive attachment sucks.

He didn’t get it then. He certainly didn’t get it now. I don’t know, okay? All I know is that something was wrong. And I’m banging my head now against the wall because I had known that.

Can I please just raise the white flag?… Please…