There are just days that feels like a rug is pulled out from under you.
As my last post was about post-Christmas blues, it continues with a head cold coming on. Yet in spite of I always try to lift things up with optimism and a smile but something was wrong today. Something told me not enjoy things too much and not let me guard down.
I had scheduled this presentation with Joan a long time ago and tonight she was finally coming. I had to be at the office. When she got to the office, her guard was up I could tell but I still wanted to help her. If she saw the merit of the business then it would be great, if not then maybe at another time. I had to take a chance.
As I was enjoying the group reports, we move on to general training which I was looking forward to. Wacky is a good speaker. He knows how to motivate. It is not a surprise that he is the last GT trainer for the year-ed salvo. I took my usual place at the aisle seat of the last row along with my team. In a sea of black, I was a standout in my bright pink cozy. Decked with pink make-up I was noticeable for sure. Not that it was my intention.
I get into the groove on his topic tonight. It’s not different from the optimism I usually advocate. It goes with what I believe in. And then he says the ‘A’ word….Autistic.
I can normally take the ‘A’ word but to use it to define something undesirable took me by surprise. I think shock is the proper word. He said that we should prescribe to a realistic vision rather than an autistic vision. As if Satoshi Tajiri, Temple Grandin, Dan Akroyd and Adam Young of Owl City had no vision nor purpose.
As feisty as I can be, this wasn’t the time nor place nor was I at the right state of mind to say anything. He used the word negatively two times. I can barely remember the exact sentences but my vision suddenly clouded up when I heard the audience chuckle at the expenses of helpless people who were not even inside the room. In my helplessness, I stood up angry and walked out. In my distress, I could not speak. I am capable of lashing the harshest words that renders people weak but being dramatic in front of a group of people whom I value and be the center of attention was the least of my goals.
I opted to leave in haste. I hear his apology over the mic but I’m moving too fast. By the time I reached the elevator, I realized I couldn’t leave because my friend, Joan, was at the presentation. Tony runs after me to assure me that I will get my apology. At that point of my episode, an apology wasn’t what I needed yet. I needed to release my anger and the hurt I felt. I am my children’s voice and I failed tonight.
I choose to stay far away from the training room. I sat on the reception desk, even more helpless. The tears roll down my cheeks and Tony holds my hand to give me assurance. I reciprocate to show my appreciation for his gesture but this was my problem and not his.
I needed to cry a little harder and so I run to the ladies’ room with no tissues and Kat catches me in my distraught. The sweetheart that she is, she gives me a hug and gives me the space I needed. I stay a few more minutes crying on the floor but Kimmy sees me as she sets up for the night. I had now concluded in my head that I was an emotional wreck and more tissues are in order. I go back in to get my wallet so I can run for a set of tissues at the convenience store across the street. I thought a 100 sheets would do the trick.
I return to my spot on the reception desk and chose to listen to Wacky’s training as the tears continue. I couldn’t stop them. A dozen scenarios and thoughts where running through my head as I pretended to keep a straight face. People pass by not knowing what to do for me. They smile or they wonder. Do I speak for my kids now and present myself as an uptight bitch? Or do I keep showing my vulnerability at the risk of being called a ‘drama queen’? I do not hate him. I hated the lack of what he knew. He was a person I looked up to which made the whole episode unbearable.
Joan’s presentation ends and I wrap things up with her before taking her to her terminal. On our way out, He approaches me to apologize and I made excuses for my vulnerability. I accept his apology and he accepts my need for space. It’s clearly not the end of it for me but at least it begins my journey towards healing.
As an advocate for special needs people, I still believe God doesn’t make mistakes. That every trial is to bring out the goodness inside of us. If people could only see the wonder and love I see in my children’s eyes. Living with Autism is like reaching for a star. I’m fortunate because I have two stars to reach for and they teach me the goodness of that which I am. My journey with my kids has allowed me to see a world far more expansive than my physical senses can only barely fathom.
It’s been 24 hours and I still can’t stop the tears every time I remember. I make efforts throughout the day to keep my spirits up. In my weakness, I opted to post it on our group’s Facebook page with RayMay’s YouTube on the word “retarded.” I posted with no hate but rather just for atonement for my failure to defend my children and others who have been marginalized because of ‘labels.’ I just hope they choose to see it as something positive. Hopefully with that, my healing is faster as well.
In spite of my tears, I am still optimistic about this episode. For what, I can only leave that to the Universe with great faith.
